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понедельник, 5 марта 2018 г.
<< Stop saying eiswein wilder 09:21:19
~ You holy to me ~

­­ ­­

“stop saying you care about me when you only care about how i make you feel. after all of this, still, it’s us here, and still, all you’re worried about is you. i never got an “are you okay?” never got a “how are you?” never got a “stay.” i only got an empty apology, a “i can’t fix this because i don’t want to think about what’s wrong” apology, a “i just want to mend my guilty conscience” apology. stop saying you won’t hurt me when every step towards you is like walking on glass. i’m choking on your empty apologies and tasting only the leftover blood of regret. every hello runs the risk of falling through. every hello and i forget about the cracks. i know this is wrong. every time you text me, i throw my phone against the wall until i stop smiling. love isn’t these feelings we give each other. love is a choice and you’ll never choose me.”

Категории: I hate you, Usefull
воскресенье, 14 января 2018 г.
<< the reason why eiswein wilder 13:29:40
­­­­­­I gotta find myself, gonna find it now­­­­­­I’m gonna say goodbye . You didn’t see me cry

­­­­­­­­ ­­­­­­

My heart is devastated. No, not because something terrible is happened. It's all in the emotion. I tried for so long to be a good girl. I read a lot, did homework, studied perfectly. I remember that sweet charming lady, where I was a years ago. Every morning, I woke up from the mother's voice calling for Breakfast. I had 15 minutes to get ready after I sat down at the table with my parents and discussed plans for the day. I always tied my long blonde hair into a ponytail. This is the most simple and easy hairstyle. Went to class. At school I was waiting for the best friends who swore to be beside me always, forever. (Never promise what you can't keep.) I was very happy. Everything was perfect. Then there was prom. College and new people. The old life was past, as my best friends. But it's not so bad, right?! I find new friends. Lived in Dorm for two years and was very pleased. This taste of freedom, independent life in any way is beyond words. I love my parents, but sometimes they were just unbearable! I was happy to breathe deeply and to lived my own live.
At some point you become blind. Can't see who your friend is, who the enemy is. You live the illusion of reality. And when the eyes are opened it's too late. The perfect life was shattered. I don't believe in fairy tales with a happy ending. And this is not a pessimistic tirade about poor, poor girl. This is the story of life. At some point we grow up. Something or someone breaks us. We cease to see the illusion and begin to feel the reality. Reality sucks. I don't feel free. Only more cornered. I can scream, hiss, scratch and bite. This is all I have. Cigarette smoke is my best friend. It helps to clear the mind and kill the pain inside.

Категории: Wild, Usefull, Think about it, Relationships, Redemption, My life, I'm so f/cking tired
воскресенье, 19 марта 2017 г.
I want my <<El Rey>>. eiswein wilder 21:44:59
It's so sad to see who I've become. I don't want to accept it but it's foolish to deny the obvious. I became the person I swore I'd never be. The only to blame is me. No one else. It's my fault. Of course I could convince myself that someone else's fault, but it is deceptive. Maybe someone took part in my fall, but only partly. Just because I let it. Honestly I am a different person. Someone else. And even I don't fully understand what it was. And it fvkin' hard to admit. I'd like to change, but is it possible? How can I force time to reverse itself? I cry every night because I'm hurt. And no one understands my pain. I begged God to end it. To take my pain away. Give me a power to walk away. But it's getting worse and worse. Hah, it's funny, but I don't think I'm gonna live a long happy life. I just sincerely hope I'll be able to spend at least a day, an hour, a fvckin' minute with a man that will love me. Truly love. I want to feel it! With someone who will give me a moment of joy and happiness. Who can give me a ray of light and love. Oh, well, I just think I deserve something more than just sexual attraction. Yeah, I'm really think so. I fvkin' believe it. Right now, I'm so broken by you. I smoke another cigarette sitting on the window sill. Look like little drops of rain roll down the glass. And I feel so crappy. Only now my head is spinning truly great thoughts that will again break on the stone hard reality. I deserve to be coming home to someone. I wish I needed someone as a person, not as a body. I'm always afraid to come home. Because there's no one inside. I feel so alone. So lonely like never before. I'm afraid I'll never be able to find my man, to will take me for who I am. The one who wants to fulfill me, to live a dream with me. I'm so fvkin' need it. Right now! Please...

Категории: El Rey, Usefull, Stop, I'm so f/cking tired, I hate you, Fvckin' sht
понедельник, 20 февраля 2017 г.
<< i like poison in you, i'm sorry eiswein wilder 22:51:46
­­ ­­ ­­ ­­

I still feel myself alone. As I sit alone in the dark. I inhale the poisonous smoke. I'm smoking and still feeling numb. I drank bottle of champagne by myself. In that moment some people which call themself my friends texted me something like this: ''Bae, we have a party. Come..we missed you. Come if you want''. What the fvck?! What the holly hell is that supposed to mean?! I might have go wild. I might have this fvcking fun with them. Because I need my friends. I love my friends, even if they just sons of b/tches. Guess, I'll have one more one night stand, because I'm better being not completely alone. It's don't supposed anything. Just usefull. They use me. I use them. And in that case we some kind of friends. What's the point of getting drunk with people who fvcking retarded? I have fvking amazing mood and this is the best that ever happened to me in recent months. So you should fvck off for today. Because I want feel wild. Freedom. Liberty. Everything. I'll remember you when I need something from you. You can text me if you need something from me.

Категории: Poison, Wild, Freedom, Friendship, Usefull


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